Children of Dissolution

One of the most difficult obstacles to overcome as a matrimonial practitioner is to bear witness to the children of the divorce. Even in the most simple divorce case, where both parties are amicable towards one another, children are deeply affected. While some children display their feelings with anger others withdraw themselves from social activities, produce bad school grades or display a lack of attention. There is no question that children whose parents are seeking a divorce are scarred by the proceedings no matter how fair and pleasant their parents are to one another during the proceedings. It is my belief that children simply cannot understand life without a mom and dad in the same house. It is also my belief that children may refuse to understand that one parent is bad while the other parent is good. Unfortunately, it is often the case in a divorce matter that children are manipulated and used as pawns. While no seasoned matrimonial practitioner would use a child as a pawn, for they understand the long term implications of such use, I have seen some very descent clients resort to some very regrettable tactics. First and foremost, parents must understand that their children do not bargain for divorce. They are born into a marriage and they expect that their parents will be together forever. So the idea of a divorce is unthinkable.

I believe there are certain things that help ease the pain and burden a child will suffer while their parents go through the divorce process. I always counsel my clients that no matter how venomous they feel towards their spouse, that they should never, ever voice their contempt of the other spouse to the children. When a spouse attacks the other spouse in front of the children, they chip and deteriorate the child's foundation and beliefs. Recently I was involved in a case where both clients engaged in child warfare tactics, each parent put down one another in front of the children. In fact, the other spouse's in-laws chimed in with their thoughts of their soon to be ex-son-in-law. Needless to say, the children were greatly affected and as of the penning of this article, the children are in therapy. I was very saddened to hear that the children had been so adversely affected, but at the same time always felt helpless due to the fact that each continued to deny ever engaging in such tactics. However, the proof was in the children's behavior and need for therapy which shows that each parent bore the blame for the children's present condition.

On the other hand, I represented a client whose wife attempted to engage in child warfare tactics. At every turn she attempted to destroy the relationship between my client and his sons. In one instance my client arrived to the marital home to drop off Hanukkah gifts, but his ex-wife made sure the children were not around to receive these gifts. My client was heartbroken and so were the children. When he relayed this to me I must admit that I felt like my heart was broken as well, but I counseled my client not to give up and to continue to be their father. My client continued working on his relationship in spite of the daily obstacles his ex-wife presented to him in her attempts to exact a revenge upon my client. He has relayed to me as of this writing that his relationship with his children has never been better. He travels to see them participate in sporting events, spelling bees, and participates in reviewing report cards, etc. This is what a parent should do! In fact, I urge my clients, despite whatever is going on in the divorce action, put those issues aside when dealing with the children. If a parent only knew the damage that he or she was exacting on their child, I do not know whether they would take the same actions as they so commonly do in a divorce action.

My advice to my clients is to work with one another as much as possible to ensure that the children's routines are not disturbed. There may be instances where there are issues of domestic violence and in those situations this advice does not apply. However, in a typical divorce proceeding, where no issues of violence are present, there is no reason whatsoever that the parents cannot sit and work out terms of visitation and parenting time without bringing their attorneys into the mix. While every other issue of the divorce may be unresolved, parenting time should be an issue that should be worked out and resolved between the parties directly.

My advice to the parents of primary residence who are the custodial parent is to grant very liberal visitation and parenting time to the parent of the alternate residence. Therefore, if your spouse telephones you that he wants to take the children to a park without relaying 24 hours notice, then be a parent and not a litigant and let the children be with the other parent in such situations. You will find that resolving this one issue may have rewards well beyond the dissolution of your marriage.

The actions or inactions that you do today with your children and your spouse go far beyond the date of your divorce. In fact, you must always consider the future and how your actions will be judged by your children and grandchildren in the years to come.

You can telephone the firm to set up a consultation at (908) 964-0102 or you may correspond via e-mail at japatti99@msn.com